Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Wear Your Glasses When Sending

It’s difficult being 58 and single. I started my search for a mate on eHarmony. I opened a Gmail account and thought of a perky name to entice men. I am Smileyface. I do smile a lot and have a positive attitude. In my college days, I never lacked for dates. Now the dating scene has changed as have my peers. With that little blue pill, the men my age are interested in women more appropriate for their sons. Since I am not ready to play nurse to grandpa, I made a worldwide search on line for a man. I spent many thoughtful hours describing my innermost desires and passions, my dislikes, and the last book I had read. I was exhausted and felt quite dissected when the questionnaire was completed.

The melancholy of being laid bare on line vanished as my eHarmony match maker sent me daily emails from interested men. Terrance in Tacoma wanted to know me. Stanley in Saskatchewan was curious. Fredrick and his dog in Fort Meyers requested communication. There was even a Santa look-alike in Hawaii showing off his speedboat. I must admit his Hawaiian location intrigued me. However, none of their guided communications could keep me from pressing the “close match” button on their submissions.

My hip friends in Manhattan suggested I pay to join The Nerve. This is where the hottest, most successful men could be found. They promised. I had to describe my favorite sex scene from a movie. I had no desire to mention The Last Tango in Paris, or 9 ½ Weeks. No telling who I would attract. I settled for sex on the stairs with Rebecca De Mornay in Risky Business. High school sex had to be safe. I waited and waited. I had no eHarmony cupid to send me my matches. I had to be more aggressive, with nerve, and check daily. My home page was complex with side bars, buttons for videos, chats to join, and sexy clothes to buy. The only faces displayed on my site were of women. So sad, I thought. These must be single women who were looking for men. All the men must be attached and having great sex. In college there were more men than women, and they had to wait in line to ask me out. Now, they had their revenge.

I decided to look at my Nerve profile one more time. There, in the box, was a large check. I was a woman looking for another woman. I had marked the wrong box. The female faces at the bottom of my page had found me sexy! It was nice to think that someone found me attractive, but I was looking for a man. I should have worn my magnifiers while typing. After all, my eyes are 58 years old. So if you find yourself on line, and see that Smileyface likes women, just remember, I am really looking for a man who wears reading glasses.


  1. Tula, you make me laugh, just like we did for hours at Coopers Beach, overlooking the bay and at Tidewaters hearing Bob Ginna tell us how he got thrown in jail with Peter O'Toole in Ireland. Only wish you were there at the Southampton Screenwriters Conference to hear from Bob what is was like being on the sands and in the tents with Omar Sharif and his buddy O'Toole during the filming of Lawrence of Arabia.

  2. Love ya Tules. Hilarious first posting! You'll find love in all the right places, when you're ready for it ;) Keep doing what you love most.