Application for a Personal Assistant

Writer and painter needs someone to organized her calendar, pay bills, handle telephone messages, type, edit, submit writings, mail packages, put away laundry, empty the dishwasher, water the lawn, weed, pick up the mail, make the bed, water the plants, balance the checking account, follow investments, communicate with attorneys, accountants and brokers, read the brokerage statements, handle the taxes, do the financial spread sheets, take the garbage and recycle out, wash the car, pick up the dry cleaning, go to the grocery store, clean the bottom drawer of the refrigerator, clean the brushes, clean her palette, varnish the paintings, and empty dirty solvent jars. Must be willing to hike and exercise. Cooking preferred but not mandatory.

I would like to be considered for this position. Although I have not had a paying job in 21 years, I am a hard worker and a community volunteer. I have been a successful fundraiser, although this is not part of your job description. Let me explain why it would benefit you to hire me. I will start in order of the items you have listed.

I have not been very successful in calendar management. I recently tried to attend a painting workshop on the wrong weekend. After my hard drive crashed on my laptop a couple of months ago, and my Microsoft Works Calendar was lost, I discovered that I had accidently mailed my lovely new gold leather bound calendar to my oldest son in New York in his birthday package. Without a calendar, I was completely frazzled. So…maybe I should skip the calendar, appointments and mailing packages portion of your application. Let’s move on to paying the bills and handling telephone messages.

I do pay my bills on time. I do most of this on line, so in effect, it is done for me. Most of my expenses are paid with my debit card. As for the telephone, I do not listen to any messages from my house phone. With a cell phone and a house phone, it is just too much of a time commitment. I handle this issue by not telling people my home phone number. Somehow they found out and starting using it. I still don’t listen to the messages. I do try to answer cell phone calls by pressing redial. I seldom look up numbers. Fifteen years ago, the telephone company sent me an engraved card and a free t-shirt as a thank you for frequently using their 411 service. I no longer dial 411. You will have to decide if I will be good at this job. Unfortunately, mail pick up is not something at which I excel. Last month my mail was returned to the post office, because the box was too full. In my defense, it is a really small box.

I can type. My speed is increasing, and the mistakes are decreasing. If I don’t have to type any numbers, or the letters Q, X, and Z, I should be OK. Luckily, spell check covers my mistakes. I spell phonetically with a southern accent. This has always been a problem. I received a D--- on my first paper at Duke University for misspelling the word “becoming” six times. The good news is that I now know how to spell “becoming”. I wouldn’t know where to start to submit your writings. I can surf the internet, if that would be of assistance. I surf well. I am an adequate editor. I am very intuitive when it comes to reading and writing, so I am sure that I could be of help.

I am good at making the bed, although I don’t always place the decorative pillows in an artistic manner. Sometimes, I just throw them in place. I can try and be better. I leave the clean laundry stacked on chairs and never put it away, but if required by my job, I promise that I will make the sincerest effort to be better. Emptying the dishwasher is a snap. How often do you need this done? I will also need to know how often you require my going to the grocery store. May I wait until the refrigerator is completely empty? As for that dirty bottom shelf, I really don’t think I can help, unless you have a pair of rubber gloves. I will be happy to take out the garbage and recycle. This is easy since the driveway at your new rental is flat and short. I enjoy picking up dry cleaning. I think this is because the dry cleaner actually does the cleaning. I usually wait until my Prius gets hit or has a service appointment to have it washed. It was serviced today, so it is very shiny. You can check this out for yourself.

Moving on to plants, I was quite the gardener at one time. I knew the Latin names of plants, was an authority on noxious weeds, and cared for a fabulous garden of several acres. Unfortunately, this cannot be verified, as the new owner ripped out many of the exotic species and planted builder hedges and grasses. They were from Miami. I should therefore be able to weed and water your tiny lawn with no problem. Do you have plans to put in a sprinkler system? I will also water your houseplants, but I request that you group them together in one location.

As for your long list of financial needs, you may want to retain your accountants. My mind goes blank, when I look at columns of numbers. I think the horror of my freshman Calculus Class at Duke traumatized me for life. You will have to continuing paying your accountants and attorneys for help in this area. And, without being too personal, why do you still have to pay so much in income tax? I think you should talk to your attorney about this as well. I don’t think those brokerage statements were ever meant to be read by lay people. If so, they would have been written in English. If you ask me, they are a money laundering operation. If the brokerage firms keep their clients in the dark, they will never be questions about their actions. You may want to ask President Obama to see about handling this.

With regard to your assistance in keeping your art supplies clean, I will need some further information. Do the brushes have to be cleaned before they harden? Where do you dump the dirty solvent? Can’t you just put new paint on your palette directly on top of the old paint? It’s just going to get dirty again. Since this involves handling dangerous toxins, I will require additional pay. I will no longer have health care in a year, and I need to be compensated, if I get sick. Not to frighten you, but I know more attorneys than any other category of professionals.

I am glad you don’t require cooking. I would rather not. If you would like to cook for me, I would be happy to let you. Otherwise, if you keep me past 5 pm, you will have to take me out to dinner, nothing fancy, just a salad. I adore movies and especially foreign films, so make it a dinner and a movie. I would love to hike with you. I especially love day hikes, but I am quite willing to travel to wilderness areas. May I suggest that you consider hiking in all the major National Parks while the trails are still in good shape? I would love to accompany you. As for the gym, I can spot you in the weight room, and jog on the tread mill beside you. I especially enjoy working out on the Precor Adaptive Motion Trainer. Do you have this at your gym?

There are some things that you did not inquire about in your job description. I would like to add more so that you will have a complete picture of how I can assist you. I have a great personality. Everyone tells me so. I have taken personality tests and blown the test takers away. In 1984, I did some personal investigation into Scientology as extra credit for a class on cults. After completing the personality test, the leaders of the New York Scientologist tried to recruit me. They wanted me badly, and said my thetans were great. I had to tell them no thank you, as I was the current President of the Women of my Episcopal church and on the Flower and Altar Guilds. Their test results showed that I had a perfect score for each one of my tested personality traits, with the exception of “accepts criticism.” I disagreed with them on that point.

I have digressed. I am also funny, friendly, happy, helpful, kind, generous, and I love animals even though my land lord won’t allow pets. I used to be smart. I write pretty well and am an OK painter. If you think that I am suitable to be your assistant, please let me know. If you don’t find me suitable, then I suggest that you start looking for a wife! Tula Holmes, August 20, 2009